When Salva from MJN got in contact with me to collaborate with them for this blog, he told me that he did it because he had seen my posts on Facebook about my relationship with epilepsy, and that they matched the vision they liked, because they wanted the disease to be seen from the positive side, without remarking what cannot be done, instead, bringing to the table which way is best to do things.
And that’s what I usually do, most of the time. But I also want to share with you the moments when I feel down, like the one that I am going through now. Because we are normal people with our ups and downs. I have a strong sense of responsibility, so it’s very difficult for me to get involved in projects if I’m not sure if I will be able to meet the expectations and that I’ll be capable to give it all. Currently, in addition to this project, I am in the Asociación Nacional de Personas con Epilepsia-ANPE and also, I’m involved with another collaboration that I participated as a volunteer which now I’ve become more involved with, turning into an official member of the project, and that is going to demand more dedication, more time, and I’ll have to express myself in public.
Even if I’ve almost stopped being hopeful, I just have to take the lead to see myself capable
Salva and Ernest from MJN with Irene Tarragó from ANPE Epilepsia (© ANPE)
And I get scared, I feel distressed, uncertain if I will be up to it. Knowing that I become the face of a project makes me proud and, at the same time, horrifies me because what if I do it wrong? What if I don’t live up to the expectations and I make them look bad? I begin to wonder and I visualize horrific scenarios where my arguments turn bad, where they ask me a question and I remain silent and I embarrass those whom I represent. All that makes me go into a state of anxiety that I can feel in my stomach and in my eyes I feel an uncontrollable desire to drop a tear. And these days I feel like that.
I think epilepsy has something to do with that. I have noticed that over the years my fears are getting stronger, it’s harder for me to fight them. I was suffering from the dizziness that has caused me to increase my medication, which for me feels like a failure since I had been with the previous dose for more than 20 years. And, as I am aware of my limitations, I am always putting them to the test and sometimes I feel capable of everything and I confront the challenges with determination. Other times, like this, I turn doubtful, and I get an inner struggle which sometimes paralyzes me.
But, despite these situations, despite the fears, despite the anxiety, I think it is important to have plans and look forward to goals. I feel bad and I’ll keep living with my fears, but I’ll have to fight them.
My message today, from the dark side, is that I have never stopped seeing the light, I just need to take the lead, to be able to see myself capable. To trust in me again. And jump. And, above all, not blaming myself for being a few days wrong. Today I’m sharing it in real-time. Today I don’t feel good. But the simple fact of sharing it is an adrenaline shot knowing that someone is going to read this and will, maybe, be interested in it and may feel identified and send me strength…