Two years ago I was diagnosed with epilepsy, it was a hard notice, a notice that changed my life, it gave a 180° turn. There were moments when I no longer wanted to live. The sadness consumed me, the loneliness was noticeable in my face, I no longer had that spark of life. I have always liked to write and I said: a blank page will be my doctor, it will be that light that one needs to follow, to start again.
The following writing carries something of what I feel, what I think, what I am and what I was.
Enough, you stole my dreams, moments and you are stealing my desire to live, the desire to smile and especially to do what I like. Sometimes I no longer know what to do with you, you know that I have thought about taking my life, you know that I do not feel comfortable knowing that you are and that you will always be with me, you know that I have hurt my body for you, I know, I feel pleasure in doing it, I like it, it relaxes me, but enough, I know that I have let you define me, I know that I have made the mistake of you living for me for some time and believe me no more. All this time that I let you define me, you hurt me, I was afraid, angry, anxious, lonely; I could smile but there was a part of me that was dying and was crying out to me to stop with this rhythm of life. You took a lot away from me or I let you take it away from me because I didn’t know how to face the situation, because I was afraid, because I was scared every time you came to visit me.
Sometimes I felt small by your side. You are darkness, you are hell, you are paradise but you are also a disease, well, you are only a disease, of the darkness, hell and paradise.
I know that life is your favorite delicacy no matter how you get it, I can also tell you that your favorite painting is the fear you see in the face of each person you visit, that your favorite song is the voice that is accompanied by an unparalleled fear, with a small stutter and that asks you and begs you not to make your round today.
“This time you’re gonna see something different, you’re gonna see joy and glow in my eyes”
No more fear, I’ll keep respecting you but I won’t be afraid anymore. Enough that you define me, now you will be part of me, now you will live with me and not me with you. I lost a lot but what I have is enough for me to get out of this darkness, to get out of this hole, to say goodbye to you. I will be with my head up and standing to receive you with respect when you visit me, but you will also realize that I will no longer have that look of fear; I know that I am on your blacklist but until I want to be in your arms but not for the moment, I apologize for leaving you like this, for changing roles without telling you.
I have four wonderful people, each with their character but for each one I would give my life without hesitation, I have an immense desire to continue enjoying this called life and not for those people, it is for me, because if I want to achieve or try something is to forget the epileptic person who lives in me and start again.
I thank you for what you have taught me, for what I have lived all this time since I heard of your existence and believe me that I will continue here and I will be here to have a cup of coffee, to talk and then to forget.
We will continue having these meetings, but everything will be different, this time you will not see fear, this time you will see something different, you will see joy and brightness in my eyes.